how did i get here

so lately i have wondered more than ever how i got here. not that im not happy, i just feel like i have lived to make others happy all my life. thats how i am programmed and thats just who i have always been. but soon i will be out on my own and have only one person to have to make happy who is the only one really making me happy right now (except for my best friend of course). it just seems like i always walk on eggshells and dont want to say something that might make someone mad or upset even at the risk that it is eating me up inside. maybe i am just in a rut with my family situation and i need to get out of it to not feel like this but the only thing i know is that i am so tired of feeling like this. i want to be happy all the time not just when i am around him because the last thing i want is for that negative energy to transfer to our time, but i know that it has and i would do anything i could to make it up to him. i hate it that i cant just make this negative crap go away when i am with him because he doesnt deserve to have to deal with it. i am just thankful that i have great close friends and the love of a great fiance to get me through any kind of rut. so thanks to all of you (you know who you are) for being there for me always i love and appreciate you more than you could possibly know.