how did i get here

so lately i have wondered more than ever how i got here. not that im not happy, i just feel like i have lived to make others happy all my life. thats how i am programmed and thats just who i have always been. but soon i will be out on my own and have only one person to have to make happy who is the only one really making me happy right now (except for my best friend of course). it just seems like i always walk on eggshells and dont want to say something that might make someone mad or upset even at the risk that it is eating me up inside. maybe i am just in a rut with my family situation and i need to get out of it to not feel like this but the only thing i know is that i am so tired of feeling like this. i want to be happy all the time not just when i am around him because the last thing i want is for that negative energy to transfer to our time, but i know that it has and i would do anything i could to make it up to him. i hate it that i cant just make this negative crap go away when i am with him because he doesnt deserve to have to deal with it. i am just thankful that i have great close friends and the love of a great fiance to get me through any kind of rut. so thanks to all of you (you know who you are) for being there for me always i love and appreciate you more than you could possibly know.

looking on the bright side

so aside from all of the stupid negativity that has been surrounding me lately, something great has happened...we finally have our own place and are in the process of fixing it up. it is a great distraction, and it makes me feel good to be able to look at the before-and-after and see what we have done with our own hands (and a lot of help). it is just exciting to know that we have some place to live when we get married and when we are done with it and ready to move somewhere else we can sell it so thats a major plus. just the little things that have been done so far have made such a difference and i cant wait to finally be able to move in and enjoy our hard work...two months just seems so far away but it will definitely be worth it. i have worked so hard all of my life to set myself up for success and this is the first step to making all of that planning and hard work pay off. :) well thats all for now.

stand still

I am at the point right now that everyone else feels the need to tell me whats best for me...but guess what...i dont need the advice. I am at a stand still and everyone wants to pull me in a different direction. I want someone to talk to and give me good answers or just to be sympathetic to my situation, not to lecture me about what a mess you think i am making of my life. the fact that so many people want to try to tell me how to live my life when their lives are nowhere near perfect...or even averagely good for that matter seems almost laughable at best. whatever happened to people saying you learn from your mistakes? now adays everyone is about avoidance. well sorry to disappoint but i for one am not about taking the easy out and missing a chance on the odds that it may or may not work out. if im not allowed to make my own decisions i will remain what i have always been...my parents puppet, a cookie cutter poster child for obedience, but i am so tired of it. not questioning anything, being told that things will be taken away from me if i dont obey or do things the exact way they want them, news flash IM 19 (20 in exactly 1 month)! i will make my own choices from now on no matter why tries to tell me otherwise because in the end its my life and the people running my life are not going to be the ones paying my bills in the future so i will be the only one in charge of me END OF STORY :)